Sorry to disappoint folks, there ain’t any pictures for this post…
I’ve been exploring this topic on the Internet, well conveniently via Google, and surprisingly not much has been written on it. I don’t think I’m alone in this journey of using photography to capture and release pain from my life, much as its popular use to record our travels and sights in our daily rumble.
I got deeply involved in photography after temporarily losing my hearing in my right ear from a nasty ear infection some 6 years ago. My eardrum burst but has since recovered, thankfully… During that period of time, I took a break from music and focused in a different interest while letting my ear rest and recover. I never really fully recovered my hearing to the pre-eardrum busting level… I used to play a variety of instruments in school, and composed short melodies for the fun of it. Do I miss doing that? Well yeah, perhaps… But I can’t imagine giving up photography now. What started innocently enough as a distraction, initially as a hobby, progressed into a life pursuit pretty quickly. Turning it into a viable career option? Quite incredulous in the digital era eh?
I found myself seeking solace in photography when I missed my family while studying abroad, when I fell out of love, when I faced setbacks at school, and later at work. Well this sounds pretty ironic, considering my job deals with photography too… At least my personal works are of a different vein/genre? There is something calming and therapeutic when I wield my camera and explored my environment. I didn’t exactly forget all my sorrows and melancholic moments, but I was able to fruitfully translate my low moments into something positive: “keepsakes”.
Of course to those with the discerning eye, they could detect when my pictures were taken in one of my cathartic exercises. There would be a subtle (if I may say) melancholic vibe in my images. Sort of how I’m looking at the world with grey-tinted glasses… I’m not sure if I should feel glad that I’m able to inject my emotions into my pictures, when most of such emotions are the grey sort. In a big way photography saved me from being numbed of existential pain or the inevitable low points we all experience in life. Whenever I feel down or sad, I shoot a lot. As if I were shooting light into a thick fog? Perhaps so.
Not too long ago I went through a really rough patch in my personal life. To put it succinctly, it was a loss-loss situation. There was absolutely no way I could have made much difference to the situation. But still I resisted throwing in the towel… I tried to snazzy up, do a positive spin and convince myself that there is a hopeful, cheery future awaiting me. Better days await, I tell myself…
Unlike what I typically did in the past where I shot topics entirely unrelated to my pains, I decided to document it head on, specifically in genres not entirely my specialty. I shot portraits in this series, an area thoroughly under explored on my blog. Not that I don’t shoot people, I just don’t showcase them on my blog due to privacy requests from my subjects. Yup, model releases turn people off most of the time. It kills the sense of spontaneity too in me, the photographer. I also decided to incorporate elements of photojournalism (now that is something I don’t dabble in at all!) into my series. Every shot is captured natural and uninhibited. There is no posing, no directing, no interference of any sort. They are also not extensively enhanced, kept to bare minimal and shot at higher ISOs than what I’m usually comfortable with. Think on average ISO2000. Grain and noise in a shaded environment, with no flash or external lighting… Quite fitting the very circumstance of my topic.
I don’t have any intentions to showcase shots from the series at this moment, until perhaps the opportune moment. This is currently an ongoing (possibly long-term) series for me with no clear deadline. I’ve screened down and selected the essence of what I’ve captured thus far. And as I edit through each shot that I’ve taken, of which almost on a weekly basis, I’m not sure if I’m greying the line between my livelihood also a picture editor and as a person who is mourning for the living. Melancholy has embraced me and I’ve decided to make her my model and subject… I wish I could feel smug about this but to be honest I’m glad she’s played along with me.
Many have commented that I’m “strong”, despite the terrible circumstance that befell on me. I credit it not to myself, but rather to photography. Photography has saved me from a downward spiral many times over. I was able to purge and vent my frustrations and emotions in a positive manner, that didn’t feel overly pretentious. Well, I’m not a fan of positive psychology… I felt awfully disappointed at the prospect of living with lopsided hearing. However in retrospect, it didn’t quite affect me too badly, apart from having people shout at me to get my full attention. Photography took over the spot music held in my heart and has served as a pretty healthy hobby. You never know… Perhaps all those selfie addicts and food photo enthusiasts are indulging in capturing every bit of their escapades as a form of modern-day self-therapy. Whatever works eh.